3 things you BETTER know about Lagos

I was a drug lord and some of the deals I was working on went south. I also had a higher authority that I was answering to. So when I could not pay off, the entire state was after me. I went into hiding and felt I had succeeded. Alas my triumph was only for a few seconds. When I woke up, I had a gun to my head. He called my boss. I pleaded for my life, but I was just wasting his time and mine. He shot me three times in the head. I could. feel blood gushing out of my mouth and nose and at the same moment, I heard him laugh and move out. When I touched the top of my head, I realized my nails were long enough to pull the first bullet out, then the next and the hole in my head got bigger and finally, the last one came out too. My index finger was now big enough to enter my brains…why wasn’t I dead?

My eyes popped open, searching the dark trying to find familiar sites, is this what happens after you died? Surprisingly, I wasn’t scared; I was just trying to establish familiar ground. I run my hands on the surface beneath me and then I realize I’m still on my bed and the bullets were rain drops. Oh darn, I had a freaking leaking roof. Like half my bed was soaking wet. I check the time and it is like 3am in the morning. My mind begins to scan through my day. I already know it is messed up.

Why am I even complaining? There are three basic things any idiot ought to know about Lagos. Here it goes.

1. RAIN RULES

For some reason, the rain prefers to gather its waters in the middle of the road. Or should I say it feels the road built for motorist, rightfully belongs to the rain clan. So its resolve is “give me liberty or give me death”. Being large by nature, it commands a greater portion of the road.

But how will you blame it, when its initial house which is supposed to be the drainages aka gutters is on lease to banana peels, pure water, La Casera bottles, biscuit wrappers nylons, cans and any other object that we refuse to dispose of in the dust bin. I guess every man has got to provide shelter for his family. After all, it can be a nasty experience if and when you are homeless. Please give a brother a break.

You guessed right. In every war, there are casualties and the innocent victims caught in the middle of this eviction are the consumers of the “Legged is Benz” brand. If the motorist don’t fire their tire rounds that has the water splashing all over your neatly ironed clothes, the rain sets booby-traps, that has us falling into filled up gutters, and pot holes.

God help those of the noble profession, and those who are studying to be such, as their quota for every work day is white and black. In times like these, the white assumes a not so pleasant shade.

2. TRAFFIC PASS

In Lagos, Traffic is to rain as butter is to bread. But that is a given. I guess that is one of the tactics that the Rain employs in its quest to have home and board. For reasons unknown to me or you, the rain seems to take pleasure in holding the motorist to ransom. Or maybe it there is some high it derives from pushing the “pause” and “play” button on the remote control that nature has handed it.

On a typical day, we are like a movie that the rain is watching. And when he sees a car or an okada or perhaps the new brand of the tricycle aka Keke Marwa, he puts a pause on it and it doesn’t matter how long it takes to get all the minor details. Oh you didn’t know? The rain tends to be really thorough atimes. I know, because I have spent six hours in traffic before. I remember because that was the day I spotted a Porsche on the road and I guess I wasn’t the only one that noticed.

If you haven’t guessed by now what the third thing is, then I guess you probably as dull as I am. With all this analogy, I would think that the next thing is to go and build your houses and roads in the water. Haven’t you heard the saying that “If you can’t beat’em, join’em”. Long story short; get a piece of land in the Atlantis they are trying to build at Victoria Island. A better suggestion would be to buy a boat!

Look closely, it can be mistaken for a yatch…or maybe I just have a wild imagination.

Ciao everyone. I am assuming you all got to work in one piece.

Kudos to @akoHindey aka B! @chuchuanochie and Betty Ezima for the pictures. You guys added color to my post.

@diamondaces, I didn’t forget you. You inspired this, too bad you slept off on me last night.

Follow me first, then you can consider following them.

Much Love and I am out!