Danfo Elephants

I did not look for anybody’s trouble today oh. Okay I shall rephrase, because I have my editor sitting here and she says that is a crude way to talk. So let’s start over. I started my day not bugging anyone. I think I started out pretty early, so I wasn’t expecting the traffic of human bodies to be that much.

I did the usual debate in my mind…Keke Marwa, Okada or Danfo…I think I even considered Moluwe (that is how it is spelt right?). Okay that is an exaggeration. Hey don’t judge me, told you times without number, I am trying to see how I can adjust my consumption rate in lieu of the subsidy tragedy that has affected us in recent times.

I was able to rake up some clean cash during the weekend. I can still remember the smile I had pasted against my dark face as I clutched the N500 in my hand. Today was going to be a beautiful day because I was N300 richer, which is a far cry from my usual allowance on a Monday morning. I deserved a treat. I shall go with the okada option, so that I’ll arrive early enough to try to figure out what went wrong with the Vision Soft post. It wasn’t a huge success like I had hoped it will be. Then my better judgment kicked in. I think it is better to arrive in the cheapest possible means; after all, it’s just 7 O’clock. I had all the time in the world and 8:30am seemed a long way off.

So I ran towards the handsome young chap that kept screaming “next turn”. Take it easy conductor jor, we all have ears, and we all know you are trying to try out for the Nigerian Idols show. Cut us some slack abeg. I asked him how much, he ignored me. I already made up my mind to pay him back, by ignoring him when he asked for his money. Na so we dey do am oh. As if on impulse, I scanned the bus, so that I know the best seat to take. Alas, all rows were relatively filled up. The empty seats are as follows.

Back row: The window seat

Middle row: The door seat (Just in front of the window seat) and the one beside it.

Front row: The conduct’s seat.

Been a very calculated girl, I opted for the back window seat. I had too much load quite a number of carry on bags and I wasn’t ready to do the usual “good morning sir, stand up sit down“ dance that we were taught in elementary school for passengers who delighted in getting down at every bus stop.

I threw myself into the seat and waited for the bus to fill up. Just three more seats and we are out of here. I began to reminisce as is my usual custom. I remember stepping back into reality and noticed the conductor’s seat was gone, two more to go. I returned to thinking avenue. The next I remember was a large thud. I heard a loud SHRIEK. It took me a good 10 minutes to realize that the sound belonged to me. Through the tears in my ears, I could see two massive balls of fat almost in my laps. I also think I heard that little small stool…the door seat, make a sound like it wanted to give way. The pain was too much, so I muttered the first sentence that came to my mind “what are elephants doing at Oshodi.” The lady beside me covered my mouth and I bit her. What did I do jor? Didn’t you see the way they both hit my knee. Their weight is too much for this bus. I tapped the couple in front of me and said “Biko, go loose small weight abeg. Elephants belong in the jungle”